Anxiety, anxiety, go away.

Don't come back ever again =(

It's mad how this time last year was the exact opposite of how I feel now. I remember there were times when I wanted out so bad, but was too scared. Now I'm out and I still feel absolutely awful. It's like I can never win against myself. That intense feeling of apprehension and unease in my stomach is back. And now I am letting my worst fears become real. "What if this?" "What if that?" No matter how often people advise me and tell me that I'll be fine, there's always the feeling of "But what if I'm that one exception and it doesn't work?"

It's crazy because when I'm in a completely logical state, I can almost laugh about how fine I am and everything is great. But when I'm vulnerable, it's like the worst thing in the world. Last night I was actually scared, at how intense the anxiety felt. It was that sort of "What if this never goes away?" feeling.

And it really sucks, because I thought I was over all of that months and months ago....but obviously not. It keeps rearing its ugly head now and again. And it's not like as if I'm not trying; I am, I really am. I'm constantly being positive, but for every single positive there has to be a negative with me. =(